Thoughts

I've had a lot of thinking time this last week due to my radiation/scan for my thyroid cancer screening. I need to write them down somewhere or else I'm going to go crazy! Now the question is where to start.......
I've had a really hard time with our new ward since we've moved in. I don't remember the last time when I felt a struggle to fit in or find my nitch. Don't get me wrong, I've met some great people and have enjoyed meeting new people. It's not that I want to be clique-y or be tied down to just a few people. I guess that there are a couple of women that for some reason I feel like I need to be accepted by. I know that I've expressed my concerns to some of you about these particular sisters. I just don't understand why I let it bother me so much. I know that I can't please everyone and be bff's with every sister I meet. But as I write about it I think I know why it bothers me so much. These sisters are the ones that stand out to be the 'great examples' and 'spiritual giants' in the ward, and I figure if this is true why do I feel so uncomfortable and intimidated by them?! Why do I feel like I have to please them if really they are as normal and imperfect in their lives as I am? I don't know. It's just something that has been on my mind again.......which brings me to the few sisters in the ward that I do love and adore. I hope that they know who they are! Mostly because they are the one's that get to read my blog! And as for neighbors I am really grateful for Danielle and Bernadette! They are such great girls and I love that we can help and watch out for each other.
I've also been thinking a LOT about my health. I am sick of hospital bills. I tired of hospital visits and doctors appointments. And really I know I have it easy with what I've been faced with. I realize it could be SO much worse. I think it's because this past week I was at the hospital 4 out of the 7 days of the week and it seemed to consume me. It is such a trial to literally be away from your family even though you are in the same house. No hugs or kisses to the kids, no sharing my bed with Jason, no eating meals or doing homework with kids. Nothing. You sit in your room away from everyone for fear of contamination.
I've also realized that I want to continue being healthy for my family. I've missed exercising at the gym since Blakey moved in with us. I know there is always at home work outs but I am way too easily distracted by the millions of other things I need to do at home. I do much better in a social environment to work out. So my goal is next week to start back at the gym and just pray that Blake doesn't catch anything in the daycare!! I've also been more mindful of eating. As part of my treatment I had to go on a low iodine diet and to do that you have to cut out all of your dairy and anything that could potentially have iodized salt. This is the first out of the 3 times I've done this diet that 1-I felt satisfied with eating and 2- I wasn't overwhelmed with what I can or can't have. I have also started drinking green smoothies and I can already tell a difference. I feel full for a long time on these and because it's healthy it's easier to choose healthy for my next meal.
My last thought I am going to share with you today is about Blake. It has been the most 3 blissful months I think I have ever had. I have never felt a love like this before. Not that I don't adore and love Austin and Karlee because I do. I think it just has to do with the brand new spirit straight from our Heavenly Father's presence that gets me. It is so amazing to me that this tiny, sweet little boy can change the mood in a home. It's as though an angel is living with us. I can't get enough of staring into his eyes and trying to get him to smile. I'm such a boob that I'm crying as I'm writing this!! It has been a dream of mine to be a mother. I figured I'd be like everyone else and get pregnant and have a baby. Little did I know that would be one of my challenges on this earth. I was so excited when Austin and Karlee became a permanent part of our family. I reveled with having a 10 month old baby girl and a 4 year old crazy boy. They are amazing kids! But I've always wanted to have an infant. I'm sure most of you can understand where I'm coming from. I never knew or could understand why and infant was so amazing until now. Blake has been an amazing addition to our family and I pray that things go towards an adoption to make it permanent!
That is all for my ranting today. Now maybe my mind can rest and I can look forward and keep on keeping on!